I've had this burden for quite some time now, after everything that has happened, and the people involved are close to my heart, it's kind of stressful that you think of them every night, and pray for them and still they choose to stay where they are and just fade away. Sometimes, I ask God why do I have to be burdened by other people's problem, especially when I'm not directly involved. Then I realize, I am His child, and that He is teaching me to become like Jesus. I've been reading on the New testament books lately and I'm just amazed at how Jesus treated people - He was just perfect. He was compassionate, gentle, patient - He is full of love. All of which are traits I don't have. Due to recent news that (I think) broke my heart a little, I felt nothing, it's like I am so dry inside I don't know what to feel or think. Take note, the issue does not concern me - I'm like, why am I feeling this way?. If I weren't a child of God, I'd be indifferent, and I couldn't care less. But no, things change - they need to change, I realize that not everything is about me, or should be about me - everything is about Him. And caring for people, it's all about Him - it represents Jesus. It's difficult to pray for someone when you have prayed so much for so long and nothing's changed - and I remember, every time I hear news about that person, I always tell God that I will not give up. I am always reminded by that verse that told me "Steph, you are doing well";
Nehemiah 6:3
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
3 So I sent messengers to them, saying, “I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and come down to you?”
However, n nights ago, I cried myself to sleep because I didn't know what to do for that person, or what to pray for, and I felt that I wasn't doing my task well, the one thing that He asked me to do - that is, to care for people (or for that person) - I was a failure (or so I think), the burden is so heavy that I almost quit another ministry (good thing, I didn't let my emotions take over). And all I kept saying was "Lord, Ikaw na bahala kay *insert name*, Ikaw lang talaga ang makakagawa ng paraan.." My heart was so heavy that night, mixed emotions, a part of me wanted to care and to not care or be mad, and I can't do anything about it but pray.
And then I realized that maybe the reason I was so hurt is because I care. I care to the point that I don't want that person to stay where she is - I wanted that person to accept the consequences, I wanted that person to forgive herself and accept the forgiveness that God offers. I wanted that person to help herself so that she can learn to accept help from other people and most especially from God. I want her to enjoy the life that God has planned for her. And because I know for a fact that she is better than all of this - better than all that has happened. I want her to realize all the great things that God has for her. But the question is how? Then I had a plan in my mind, either I call or visit the person - things that I don't like doing by myself. After everything that has happened, I became silent when it comes to that person, I have a lot of things in my mind that I wanted to tell her, but I just can't say it - and I thought maybe I was afraid that I would hurt that person even more, 'cause being the balahura that I am, when it comes to talking to people and giving advice, I tend to just speak my mind and not choose the words, in the end I say things that are hurtful, though it's the truth I know that it hurts the people I care about just by telling it to their faces (though I would like to believe that I am effective when it comes to that issue..or not). And I am afraid of what would happen if I tell that person everything that's on my mind and it comes out as balahura as I can ever be. I am still praying which is best, make the call or visit. I think doing both is best. But I'm praying that God would prepare my heart and my mouth - to say the things that He wanted me to say to that person, not the things that I want to say. I'm also praying for the right time.
I realized that ever since I started with the task God gave me, He gave me these people not only to help them, it was more of the lessons that I am supposed to learn, lessons about people, about Him and about myself. I realized that God didn't give me this task just for the sake of it, or because He wanted to burden me with other people's problems. He was revealing Himself to me, and He is teaching me about myself, it's like He wanted me to realize what kind of person I am and what kind of person He wants me to be - like Jesus. It's like He's telling me "steph, this is how people are, and this is you..I love you just the way you are but my love for you is so great that I want you to be better - I want you to become like my Son, Jesus Christ.". God wants me to be compassionate, He wants me to care for others and not be the selfish and self-centered balahura that I am ..was, He wants me to be gentle when dealing with people, gentle with the words I use that could break or make that person. He wants me to learn not to be selfish, to learn how to carry someone's burden and share the burden. As written in
Galatians 6
New International Version (NIV)
6 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
He wants me to realize that everything is about Him, and all the things that He's teaching me is not only to help me but mainly so I can glorify and honor Him - and make Him known.
I was looking for the definition of GENTLE in the handbook that was given to us during the JZONE leadership conference. It says "strength under control". There's so much more about gentleness and compassion that I need to learn. And I came across a handout entitled "Restoring the Fallen", and what struck me most when I browsed it was that the ultimate goal in restoring the fallen is not to restore the fallen but to HONOR GOD - to restore God's honor. In the end, God is glorified whatever it is that we intend to do. And hopefully, He will be honored with whatever He wanted me to do for that person.
And after everything, I am restored. The cross is the only reminder of how great His love for me is - that I am saved and I am forever grateful..and that by His grace am I able to serve Him. All for His glory.
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